Ticktok

A sister survivor died yesterday.  Her mets were to her chest.  It all happened pretty quickly over a month.  Her family was ready.  They were prepared and slightly relieved her time in hospice was short without a long period of pain.

It is no wonder that this news is hard for me to  deal with.  It is comforting to hear the words of her daughter, my former high school art student.  It is comforting to know that when I go, it will be like that.  Lots and lots of love.

I know ypu think about it.  You ask all the time.  Maybe it is not directly, but you do.  And, I.  I don't have the words.  Dying.  How do you deal. With dying?  It is what it is and no more.  What hurts the worst is when a newscaster announces "so and so" is dying of stage four cancer.  Yep, it hurts. I must have been dying for four years.  I never think of myself as dying though I know I will not be around as long as I want to be.  So when it is claimed someone is dying, I just want to yell...BUT NOT TODAY!

There are times I think, jeesh, this is it.  I feel like crud.  I think I must have a met in my lungs, what is this lump in my throat, oh man, my head hurts, crap, my words are slurring, I just don't feel good.  Is this it?  I acknowledge and try to forget.  Too much living and giving to be had.

It is the spring time sh*t storm.  Husbands are leaving, mothers are dying, neighbors are trying to learn to be long time skin cancer survivors with little to no support, children are sick, and others are being uprooted from their small places of adopted comforted in a foreign country to settle in a new missionary location with their young children.  There are challenges crawling all over the walls.  And how do we deal with our mixed feelings?  That is exactly the answer deal with them.  Acknowledge it as it is what it is.  Make no judgement.  And let it go.  Never say it is out of your control.  Because it isn't.  Never say it is in your control, as it isn't.  It just is.  You can't change what happened nor people. So focus your energy on what makes you rock the world and allow.  Allow the ocean of grace to wash back to you.

My analogy/meditation story is as follows.  Take the challenge, see it, study it, understand it or not, for just a few moments.  Know it is there and change will happen though you don't know what it will be.  Find excitement in the mystery.  Then ball it all up.  Literally.  Take your hands, pack it in a ball like foil, create heat, and place it into a duffle bag.  Then throw it out to sea.  Make it a good through. Say good bye while knowing it will come back to you.  When it does, un zip the bag and look inside. You never know what you will find.  The future is a mystery. As you stand on the beach looking at the sunrise or set, your choice,  decide one thing, just one, positive incredible, amazing, tiny thing you can add to the world.  Push it into the sea.  And let it be.

Tomorrow, hold the door open for everyone who walks with you through all the doors you pass.  Evy single one.  There are a lot.


Hugs and love.  Sara

PS Kate, I think your mom was with me today during therapy.  She was cold.  She took some of my energy to give to you.  Hope you felt it.