Remission Again

I'm sitting here in my corner seat just below one of the three windows looking over the roof and parking lot of the hospital. I have chosen a pink and yellow quilt to sit under because it is darn cold in here today. HER-Fusion is the game plan today. I am going to sit here for 90 minutes while a little drug drips down a rubber tube into my port, veins, and then cells. No big deal as it happens every three weeks. But then again, I am reading the status posts on Facebook of my other mommy friends and reading about their laundry folding and dish washing. And, I am thinking, gee I wish someone would get mine done whole I was sitting here. I am also thinking why the guy with the slight cough just had to sit next to me when there are 12 other great chairs to choose from in this room.

At any rate, I am getting my drugs and saw the doc. I requested another explanation of my remission stats again. So basically, I am not going to get cured. There are little dormant cancer cells sleeping all over my body. They are too tiny to be seen on any diagnostic. However, if they get out of line, the Herceptin and the Tykerb are here to shut them down. It is sort of weird to think that a war is still going on in my body. I am the Midle East.
So, yes, I said remission. I am doing good, have things under control. But seriously, you all have to understand that I will not get cured at this point, war is always being orchestrated, and I am freaking tired all the time. But, the glorious thing is I don't have any land minds at this time.

My colonoscopy is good, and we can put that on the back burner for a year. Yeah! I have an MRI next Monday, and we suspect that there are little "dead" cells hanging out in there. This is totally expected and fine. We just don't want any new soldiers yielding their angry fists.

I will say again that this is still hard. I seek to function at a wonderful normalish level while I continue to be haunted by the cancer war. I try to hide it, and I will smile. And, I will enjoy days like last Friday when I had a glimpse into my past. I felt great. For the first time in nearly two years, I felt like is was supposed to feel. I slept all day Thursday after my sedatives from the colonoscopy. I woke only twice to eat and meet my other biological needs. So when I woke Friday morning, I felt amazing.

So yes, I silently fight and get the right to complain every three weeks.  I pray, play my Scrabble, read for my book club, sew, paint, and go wild with creativity even when I am tired all with the ghost that it could end any minute should the sleeping giant wake. Yes, today is a good day. If only I came home from the cancer center this afternoon for my nap with the kitchen completely scrubbed and tidy, it would be an awesome day.
Little things, my friends. Little things. Slow down and feel blessed you get to do your laundry today. Put each tiny shirt and torn pair of jeans in their little drawers and be present. It is a chore. But dear, it is lovely.