When we were discussing the best plan of action to eradicate my brain of breast cells that were apparently trying to paralyze my left eye, my oncologist said to the neurologist,"We haVe to be careful not to make her to stupid to take care of her little kids." Maybe those weren't the exact words, but that is what I remember hearing. Two thoughts occurred to me. One, if I was, say, fifty and my kids had left for college, would it be okay to fry my brain? And, two, how stupid is this going to make me anyway?
So we did two pin-point radiations on exactly the vary spot of my tumors. Instead of multiple visits with fifteen minutes each, they shot my head with a laser, without telling me by the way, for a full fifty minutes just once. When they were explaining this last minute change the doctors said: one, I was very young (that is cool because I was feeling old and tired at that point) and could handle the stress of the length of time. Again, may I remind you I didn't know I would be there that long when I laid down on the table with a cage tightly fitted over my face. And my I-pod spontaneously went into a random shuffle replacing my soothing ballads with my running playlist. Two, my brain cells were like a balloon. If you blow it up a lot, even right to popping, then release the air, the balloon retains it's elasticity. However, if you blow it up over and over, eventually the material looses it's integrity.
Integrity; now that is an interesting word seeing as we are talking about my brain. This is the very topic I have been thinking about today. I had a sudden urge to send out a mass apology for forgetting stuff. Sorry. I can't remember names of people I have known for a long time. I can't remember appointments. I can't remember to put something out on the porch for a friend to pick up later even just seconds after I hang up the phone. I have to check everything multiple times and often flip a u-turn to get something I left at home...three times in a row. This is horribly embarrassing and frustrating. I can rationalize that it could be worse and that there are normal brains doing this same thing. But, you have to understand is, even though I was forgetful from time to time, this constant behavior is not me, the me of my past. I feel like a ditz.
In discussing my frustrations with my mom after my friend called looking for the thing I was supposed to have put on the porch for her to pick up, I realized that that my brain is trying to multitask all the time. Dr. Phil once said that multitasking is not actually multitasking. It is actually doing a little bit of one thing, moving to another thing, going back the the original thing, then starting a third thing, then back to the.... In the end, you are just doing a little bit of one thing at a time therefore you a not giving the task your full attention. Therefore, all those three tasks you thought you were completing all at once were really not getting done well in the end.
So here I am explaining this to my mom. I was telling her that I feel like my brain is constantly unorganized and multitasking so nothing gets done to full fruition, when she replied in her experienced etcher voice, "So you are saying your brain functions like someone who is ADD?" Precisely.
I don't know if I can credit this confusion and forgetfulness in my brain to the radiation. But, I do know I can credit the stuttering and the slight lose of coordination in my right hand at random to the procedure. And, then I think: "Stupid is as stupid...". Wait, I forgot how that quote from the movie Forest Gump went. Well, I wonder what my oncologist really meant when she protectively explained her reasoning for a lesser about of treatment to save the integrity of my brain.
PS Sorry, I simply forgot to finish my blogs about my wonderful trip to California with my two little adventurers. I finished writing in the photo album and had taken that text to publish in my blog. However, I forgot to save the thing and my computer froze causing me to restart it. So if I remember, I will try again. For now know that on the third and fourth day of our trip we went to Disneyland. Then we went sailing. We followed that with a trip down to San Diego to tour the zoo, swim, relax on the beach, eat good seafood, and sit in the airplanes at the Maritime Museum. It was quite and adventure and my careful planning paid off in some wonderful memories for a steal of $600 total trip expense. On my last day, I felt a bit tearful. I felt great joy at the same time I felt scared. As I ran my fingers through the sand, I tried to remember that moment, engrave it in my fried brain, because it could very well be my last time to sit on the beach. Yes, I often have these thoughts that this could be the last.... Maybe that is a handicap or maybe it is a gift. But, it is definitely a topic for another blog.
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