Summer 2011

It has been a while since I have written. My excuse is: No news is good news. I think I last mentioned that all my tests, scans, blah, blah, and blah in May had positive results as did my mother's and sister's. So our family got a free ticket for summer. And, I say that literally as my next diagnostics are booked for the VERY day before school starts on August 17th. Please do pray for me that week that the stress of back to school and scans doesn't end me up flat as pancake flopped on the couch by the end of the week.

Our summer started off crazy awesome with a trip to Disneyland. I had harboured the Life List aspiration for several years. Of course, being as my life span in which to complete my Life List tasks has just been shortened (or maybe not but it stinks having no clue what is around the corner or how far the block even is.) So I sold an art quilt; my first official art quilt sale of major value, actually. I planned my trip with the check and only dimes in my pocket. Many things fell into place like my father-in-law lives out in LA., owns a boat we can stay on, has a car, and was planning to move and sell both this year. So the timing was perfect for a free room and ride. (Thanks Larry!) We also received one day comp tickets into Disneyland thanks to Larry's friend Tara who works in textiles for the park. The second day we went, we hung out withe my sister-in-law and her one year old. I miss all our artsy chats from when she lived in Colorado and really enjoyed catching up on old times. But, I am not too sure how much chatting we were able to achieve between screaming on rides, laughing at Goofy, and feeding thee kids. My two troopers were awesome as they made it through two full days including the fireworks show and nearly every ride available for kids under 44 inches. After Disneyland, we went down the coast to San Diego. We again received free room on thee 7the floor of an ocean front condo on Coronado Island from my great aunt. I really wanted more time there and wish I was able to book ten days with our United free tickets.

I forgot to mention theat before our trip to California, we went to my parent's cabin in Red Featheer Lakes for a long weekend and then to Taylor Lake viewing the Royal Gorge along the way. Needless to say, I sent my kiddos to summer school and vacation bible school the Monday after our Disney return totally happy but exhausted. Next, we slid in a camping trip near the cabin, a weekend at the cabin for Fourth of July festivities, then over to Larry's cabin in Allenspark for a BBQ on the Fourth, and then out to Lake Powell for the Brown's annual family trip.

All this was quite fun, but I have to secretly admit I am glad to unpack our bags for a couple of weeks. Yes, just a couple so I can weed the yard (once this summer) and clean the house. Then it is time to pack the bags for a week up at the cabin with my sister's family, weekend with friends in Sol Vista, and then my high school BFF, Lisa, is coming out with her kids. We have plans to return up to my friend's condo in Sol Vista and explore the ski resorts for a week.

I think I will leave our bags packed until after my scans and the first week of school. Oh, come on, you know me better theen that. I will be running around in my starved state nesting and cleaning (I have to fast but only 12 hours which is way better theen a coloscopy.) But never fear, I may be very forgetful theese days, but I am still a planner. The kids have already picked out their first day of school clothes, sorted out old clothes that don't fit for consignment and donation, helped me shop for a few new pants and such for the fall, and filled their backpacks with all their school supplies (I can't believe how much they cost! The pencils not thee clothes as I got all theose on sale withe coupons; go Gymboree Gym Bucks!) In fact, I am folding the laundered lot now; well after I type this. Gosh, I am starting to wonder if I am compulsive or just super organized. No, you know what it is, don't you? I am a cancer survivor of two and half years with two little kids. My life is a schedule.

In all this fun and organizing mess detailed above, I have my Her-fusions every three weeks. In fact, I had one this past Monday. Sure I am living a great life but under it all my feet and ankles really hurt, my acne face is really bugging me as it apparently does not like the hot summer sun one bit, and I have no time after entertaining kids all day to get out to do yoga. I can complain and detail how I almost completely lost my thumb finger nail on the houseboat when I was popping open a Hansens. Or, I can tell you that I feel like throwing up one minute and then want to devoure an entire pizza the next. In fact, as we were sitting in the shade popping back a few Zofran on the boat, my nine week pregnant niece and I compared noteworthy complaints. And, I decided I don't have cancer and taking two chemo-clas drugs to keep myself alive. No, I think I am pregnant!

Okay, whatever. So in the back of my mind I am constantly thinking of my death. I know it is weird. I am sort of okay with this and that. I am not scared of what is next, just the process to get there. I wonder how in the heck this house is going to get cleaned (because I want my kids growing up in a clean house a respecting organization,) who's going to rub my son's back when he is scared in the middle of the night of thunder, who's going to take my daughter shopping for school clothes helping her pick out sometheing she feels good in yet doesn't make her look like Britney Spears circa 2004. Well, someone will. Sure. But, that is the crap my head-langauge discusses. I sit on the beach in San Diego watching my kids giggle and splash each other and cry. I am sipping up every moment because this may be it. This may be the last time I sift the sand through my finger tips.

And that, folks, is what it is like to have stage four cancer that already came back. It is a freakin' clueless existence that lacks the security of definition of time. I schedule this and that. I pack bags two weeks before the trip because I will have an infusion and won't feel up to it the day before. But, darn it, I am not misssing that trip! All the while, I sort of joke to myself: why am I cleaning theis toilet, I could be dead tomorrow and shouldn't my time be spent doing sometheing else? Well, silly, who else is going to scrub the toilet and if you don't do it...ooooh gross!

Okay, I didn't mean to start into a sniffling melodrama. What I meant to say was that I am having a freakin' awesome summer, fitting in a lot of fun for kids and myself, and keeping all my appointments. Though I have to admit I did forget a dose of Tykerb for the very first time in six months for no reason at all. Well, actually there was a pretty good reason. I went to see the movie Larry Crowne with my parents, laughed my bum off, had guac and chips at On the Border, felt blessed to have my folks as part of my life, simply crawled in bed tired and happy, and fell asleep. Yes, for one night, I slipped into a life of no cancer. I forgot.

Yes, that is why I fold the laundry, scrub the toilet, cook dinner, take the kids to the pool, plan awesome California vacations, make a Shutterfly digital album immediately, go out with my girlfriends at least once a week, shop the farmer's market, spend hours the week before book club finishing the book, see movies with whomever is willing to go with me, day dream, paint, sew, mend my son's jeans, frantically finish an art quilt and mail it out the day before it is due, paint my toe nails, and just about ever boring, mundane thing that makes this life normal. It all helps me forget. One never really appriciates what they have until they almost loose it. Well, okay, I don't totally appriciate cleaning the bathrooms as more then a weekly task that needs doing, but I am working on it. I think Eckhart Tolle would tell me to sit in front of the toilet for 30 minutes in meditation telling it how awesome it is for letting me dump my wastes in its porceline bowl and speedily flushing it away so that my house doesn't smell nor be riddled with infection.

Nah, the tile is too cold in my pampered life filled with airconditioning. So to sum up my ramblings that took up a good chunk of your morning reading, it has been one very fun summer and I am feeling pretty okay minus the little hurdle I leap over every three weeks. Thanks for all of you who have shared my summer with me. PS The kids are actually home next week so get out your calendars and schedule a play date.