I pass John at the elevators. I am going up to the cancer center, he is coming out. Mr. Black Cloud is smiling. He looks tall, proud, confident. Yes, he is tired, pale and his son, once estranged, is apparently helping him walk. He is happy to see me and asks about my new pirate eye patch. I share that I had a brain metasis which is causing pressure to my left nerves on my left eye. "But," I exclaim before I get the look of pity, "we radiated the heck out of it and are confident today." John hugs me.
This man I have known in the armchairs of the chemotherapy room for nearly two years now. I call him the Black Cloud because when I was new to chemo, when I still had hair, he would come sit next to me and talk about how horrible lfe was. He was angry. With some arranging with the nurses to make sure I had distance from the man and only a few short conversations in the passing of the halls, I watched this man grow spiritually in his journey through treatment. He reclaimed many relationships and found a peace.
That peace is what I saw that day as we parted ways. He told me he was off to a holistic healer because there was nothing that they can do to stop his tumors from taking over his body. In all essence, he is off to die with peace and comfort.
Dying. We all die. We are all born. And we are all going to die. There I said it. The reality is that the human body is in flawed. Some bodies are strong and live a hundred years. Those years are filled with suffering. We all suffer in someway. It is when the suffering comes in the form of pain and from the inside that one has to figure it all out. And in truth, so do all those around that person.
I have found my friends looking for answers in me and what I am going through. I will say first that I wish I could just be blindly naive and simply complaining about how over booked I am as a mom or that I can't find the right nail color and had to fire my hairstylist. Yet, that is not so. The reality is I am not going to live to be the old grandma I had dreamed. So my friends, how do I deal with this reality? How do I, and you, not be angry?
Though I grew up Christian and follow the teachings of Jesus that I learned, my views are more broad then a singular umbrella of format of only one teacher. In the essence of it all, we are created with one source, no matter what your religious label and teaching you practice, it is all one source, or God. Our souls are created and collected with this source which makes us human, it makes us whole. Our soul is born to a body. The body is molecules and all that biology stuff all mixed together. Just like making bread, sometimes the yeast just isn't quite right. Some times the body doesn't come out in the oven as in a miscarriage. Some times it just begins to fail and become sick. Sometimes it is way too early.
Many of you are angry and confused. Many are mad at God. Yet, I tell you that I do not believe that God is up there with some puppet strings doing this to me. There is not a scapegoat to blame. The body is just the body doing its thing. What is the God in all of this is the creation of all the souls how are part of my team. That is the miracle, people. The miracle is the soul that came down to an Earthly body, studied medicine, and created these drugs that will change my human form to fight off the infection of cancer cells in my body. That, my friends, is it.
So please, if you are feeling angry, feel it. Embrace it and say, "I feel angry." Look it right in the eye and then shove it into a duffel bag. Zip it up, And throw it out to sea. Do know that the duffel bag will come find you on the tide. So look inside, feel it, and then toss it out again. In time, it will come on the tide less frequently. The role that angry plays in our lives is to spark our souls to make a change. Through our embracing those feelings, we can see through them to the change, the peace.
I took a yoga class this evening. I needed the cleanse. I had to stop several times and recline into child's pose and even fell right on my bum during an inverted twist. Eagle pose didn't even happen because I couldn't get my brain to figure out how to twist what arm here and leg over there and still be standing. But, I made it through to the good part at the end. So I filled with my breath in pigeon, my mind filled with thoughts. I should tell them why I was on my ass half of class? I bet I looked funny squinting and closing one eye.... Just as if she can read my mind, Ms. Yogi calmly speaks, "Stop the drama in your head. Don't think about how you are doing in this pose; whether it is perfect or not. Just lean into the sensation. Breath. No drama, just sensation."
No drama, just sensation. That is to be each day. Just sensation. There is no need to waste it on anger. t There is no need to waste it being all enlightened and spiritual either. I will live my days as long as I can running around being crazy supermomma. Because that, my folks, is what I want. I want to be bothered by the little things and match my nail color to my hat.
My husband asked what it is that I fear most about dying. Well, of course I don't want to be in pain, but they have good drugs for that. What I fear most is those I have to leave. I know everyone will be okay. But heck, I am freakin' awesome, and I don't like the fact that you might just miss me. I don't like the fact that my children may not get to be naive in the ways of life and death. I wish they could be blind to it and live only worried about the little things.
So how do you look an early death in the eye? You smile and say, "I have some pretty powerful souls on my side who are going to give it their all. And, you are not going to take away the human joy of worrying about the little things. Not today anyway, not today."
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