Momma Wolf

An old Cherokee told his grandson, "My son, there's a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies & ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy & truth. "The boy thought about this and asked, 'Which wolf wins?'" The old cherokee replied, "The one you feed".
It has been a while since I have had the mental time to write. And, not writing for me is a bit like leaving your toilet unplugged in your only bathroom in your house. A quick life update is that we found more mets (breast cancer tumors) in my brain. I have had full brain radiation and am almost three weeks out from the last radiation. It took my hair. It is growing back already. It took my ability to run and move fast. I will get strong again. It didn't stop my from my Birkum Vinyasa Yoga practice other then I can't balance and have to do my tree pose with a kickstand to my ankle. But, I will return to the half lotus and full cactus arms some day. I have headaches, my Lymphdeama in my left arm and on into my back is bad...working with my therapist, my legs hurt and cramp up all night, my earring holes started bleeding...they are healing, my hearing is lessened, I will get cataracts and have to start screening my vision regularily for side effects, I often get this weird fuzzy feeling all over my body, I can't think numbers well...counting change at the store is hard, vocabulary escapes me, and my emotions....well, shall I go on?

But, I am here in this body of mine. The weaker cells of my brain died. They will regrow. It will take a good year. But, my ME cells in my brain, the smart ones, the ones that make me who I am and the ones that run my body function...they are there of course working. It is quite the abstract, out of body experience that I am going through. I can try to explain it to you, but my words would never suffice to illustrate experiene.

My biggest struggle right now is my Midnight Housewife wants out of this body. She wants to do it all again. For example, in my normal life, I would have attended a Truffle Tasting party with my friend who makes the most amazing, award winning truffles with Truffles in Paradise (contact me for her information for your holiday orders...great gifts.) But, alas, my body couldn't. It was done. I did all my housewifery, even got in the studio, and mother the kids with one of the best homework times we have had in months, got everyone in bed, picked up the house, and sat down at 8:30 pm. I made a little nest on the couch with the fireplace on. My tea was steeping. The house was quiet. I pressed play on the DVD and The Help began. I was snug as I rubbed lotion on my achy toes...side effect of one of my cancer drugs. The introduction begins. A carmel voice narrator starts talking and...
So I slept. About eleven, I replayed the movie, but I do need to watch it again as I nodded off again and again. Though I watched enough that I got really excited and wanted to write a ten page essay comparing and contrasting the social dogmas portrayed in The Help with those portrayed in the Social Networking, the Facebook movie. Okay, I am a nerd and miss college research and essay writting.
All and all, in my rambling, this mom, artist, housewife just wants her life back.  But, a huge thing has pocessed her mind and made it weak. Sometimes I think of it as a blessing. Well, of course we do because...cross your fingers...after we restage this month, we will rule my brain cancer free. We have the aspiration that I will be well managed by drugs to keep it all hushed and live a very long time. But, the hidden blessing is that I have had to slow down my life. That slowing down has effected everyone, especially the kids. They have had to grow up these last two months. I have taken the time to teach them to be independent...big kids. It is a bit heart wrenching as I toss the last of the sippy cups and give them pallets like I use in their paint boxes instead on the one color one paint brush thingies they used as preschoolers. They get themselves ready for school and bath themselves. Well, they are working on it anyway. They are learning to know when they are done with things instead of asking me like if they ate enough dinner. And my eldest, seven and half, has learned to read in bed and turn off her own light by 8:30 when she is tired...well, almost. I had to start teaching them these things because at the end on the day, even if I nap, I am so tired  I can barely walk upstairs. There has been many tears and shouting along the way. But, we are getting there. I am so proud of my little gal and guy. I do look back and remiss my life as a stay-at-home mother of two prepping dinner in the middle of the day, a few chores, taking the kids swimming or to the library for story time, splashing bubbles at them while they bath, monitoring teeth brushing, and the hour of reading books out loud to them (still read to them some nights because I like to) and creeping in their rooms before I retire to my bed just to make sure they are still breathing. Yes, it is bitter sweet to pack that mother away. Like a butterfly, our life has morphed drastically lately. In part it is due to the age of the children. In part it is due to the struggles through recovery from the radiation. I stand at a door. I am a little afraid to open it. I am mostly excited. I know it is going to be hard. But, I know it is going to be wonderful. I have fed my wolf sweet berries of strength, courage, and love. Now, I open my door and hope she will carry me swiftly through to the greenest pastures.