I had not intended to have another cancer blog, but I suppose that it is still such a part of my life that it is what I need to talk about from time to time. Several of you are trying to get an understanding of what I am going through. I truly do appreciate it. It would be difficult for me, simply because of who I am, to isolate myself.
So here is what I feel in the morning when I wake up. This feeling is progressively less each morning during the cycle but worse on the second morning after. Also, it may vary a little probably due to work outs, heat, and other environmental elements and how hard I push my body to be normal. My hands and feet tingle similar to when you try to stand up from sitting on your knees on the floor. The feeling is a little more mild and does actually persist during the day, but I can ignore it. This is neurapathy. It can be worse in my left arm as it is still numb in the bottom where the lymph nodes were removed. Sometimes my chest just aches. And, my muscles between my shoulders and chest cramp up. Then I have a lump in my throat nausea. It is not as severe as it was during chemotherapy and it goes away mostly after breakfast. I have a low headache. My shins ache similar to my daughter's this morning as she is growing and growing. Jack asked yesterday and then commented when I told him I am not growing anymore. He said, "Yes, you are. You are growing in your love for me." There are other various aches and sharp pains in my chest and left arm. This is it. this is my life.
I will get used to it and tolerate. But, I do wake up most mornings thinking, I can't do this the rest of my life. Never mind the thoughts that run through my head as I watch my kids play like, I may die next year and will never get to see this again. Or, I will see one of the teenagers in our neighborhood doing something and think that I won't get to see my kids do that same thing.
It is sad, I know. But, it is my reality. It is the reality of anyone going through an illness. It makes us angry and resentful. For me, hopefully, these feelings will only last a couple of days around my infusions. Then, I can move on and pretend everything is normal even though my hands tingle and my shins feel like they may break if I jump too hard.
Life does go on. Today, I will take Jack to the Gatrointerologist at Children's Hospital. I hope we can figure out his issues this year. He is a lovely boy who is sharp as a whip. I just know he can thrive and grow if we can figure out what is bothering him. Yes, he can live just fine just the way he is. But, he can have so much more. Besides, Jack has a pile of size four pants that I hope he can wear this fall as he approaches his fifth birthday. I would sure hate to have to go buy more size threes. And, that is my job as a mom to provide the best life for my kids. I am thankful I am able to take him today as I read the most resent post of my friend still struggling after two years of surgeries and treatments for her breast cancer. Everyday, as someone else drives her to her doctor appointments, I am sure she wishes she was in the driver's seat driving her kiddos to school. Hang in there, E.
So I am going to be glad now in the luck I have to get to ride bikes with my kids to school today even as they are currently fighting over a coloring book.
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