Fast Train

To be clear, we are on the fast train.  My afternoon was spent ont he phone setting up appointments, asking my oncologist's PA if she and the doc were clued in on the matter of my brain, and understanding more about my brain matters.  My old spot on my pons in the middle of my head on top of my brain stem, sitting next to the control center for the movement of my left eye, has grown by a milimeter. The tumor at the front left temporal lobe is actually growing pretty quickly.  So yes, we are on the fast train.  I already had my eye appointment sent up for next week.  It was supposed to just be a health check but now is an information check into the personality of these tumors. I also had an oncology appointment and infusion already set up for Thursday to check the odd bumpy dermal tissue I had screened with an ultrasound two weeks ago.  The tissue did turn out to be normal and just oddly bumpy all of a sudden.  I am about ready to lobe these things off.  So here we go.  Fast train with four doctor appointments next week.  In the end I will fill up my last two days of little commitment to art.  Yes, this will be a speed bump that will probably slow me down the month of October.  By Thanksgiving, I will hopefully be back in the Birkum yoga studio and maybe even taking a winter jog.  But, really scares me about this is that if I pulled out a calendar I would find that I laid out on a table to be scanned, treated, and sent off to mend every four to six months.  Is this what is to be my life?  It makes me feel like my life is just not as long as I hoped as I wonder how much this body will last being blasted.  Well, anyway, you know me, I will smile through.  I will be conflicted inside whether I am proud or sad when I over hear my kids talking upstairs and say, "When mom dies..."  I don't really want to know what they were talking about or what they meant.  And, I am glad they are processing because it maybe true before they are ready.  And, yes, today, I prayed during my meditation at the close of my yoga practice.  I asked God to keep me around a bit more because of all of you.  I love you all.  And, I hate being the source of sadness.  Well, I am glad I got that off my chest so I can go to sleep.  No, I don't feel like editting so take it here all in the raw as it is.  I hate being on the fast train and really have no idea how I am doing.  I only know that when my "big brother" walked next to me while we walked our kids to school, put his arm around my shoulder and then kissed the top of my head only as a big brother would, I almost lost it.  But I didn't, I choked up then swallowed it down deep and moved through the crowd of parents and students.