Here We Go

This really is a strange world I tripped into. I flutter in and out of medical buildings just being who I am, all shiny. Because, because I have to. It really can feel like one foot is in West Berlin and one foot is in East Berlin circa 1980. One minute I am hearing about how well I will fair. And, the next I am signing a release recognizing that there is some giant word starting with neuro- that could happen to my brain tissue with permanent, big world recourse in the areas that have already been radiated with the stereotactic radiation of cyber knife. Signing on the dotted line that I am okay with...did that mean I could be a vegetable? But it is rare, extremely rare. But, I am signing this.

In the end as I pulling together all the pieces and asking if I can basically still live my awesome life as a 36 year old mother of two, I am hearing them say, sort of. And, it may not be so bad. After all, I am a 3.89 GPA student who could have easily been a 4.0 in both high school and college if I wasn't too busy in the art room to care about the chemistry lab. And, there you have it, take 30 years off my brain life, send me some word puzzles, keep my active and relaxed all at the same time, and buy me a good year (and we will pray for way more.)

From what I understand and can summarize is that full brain radiation is the necessary treatment. Though we could cyber knife the spots, we don't want to make Swiss cheese out of my grey matter. And, the assumption is I have other sleeper cells wanting to turn my brain into the Death Star. If we go back to the fact that I have the human epidermal receptor (HER2/neu) over expression cancer and the Herceptin is doing a stellar job turning off these genes in my body. But, it doesn't go into my brain. So the hope here is that the radiation will wipe my slate clean. It will rid my brain of all sleeper cells wanting to turn into tumors. Then the hope is the Tykerb (or other new awesome drug) will block out new cells from coming into my navigation room in my head.

The plan is I will have 20 treatments that will build in intensity over the four weeks. These treatments will start next Monday. Each session should be about 15 minutes with no immediate effects. Acute effects should build slowly and hit around the fourth week (Thanksgiving...good thing we already have reservations at the Greenbriar for dinner). The main effect being fatigue and headaches. I will be on a steroid to prevent swelling. Swelling of my brain, that is. It is a little unsettling to be warned that if I wake up with a headache or my headache which is supposed to just be a mild one like I currently have, gets worse, I am to call 911 and hop on the fastest ambulance. (Hint, hint, this is what you all can really help me watch for as this sort of freaks me out.) These effects should continue to increase in a couple weeks post-treatment. By December, these effects should decrease slowly.

Latten and permanent effects should begin to become apparent about that time. So there is a lot of guessing and "we don't really know" about what these might be as apparently, my case is pretty rare. It is to be assumed that some of the effects I had with cyber knife such as stuttering, forgetting simple written vocabulary words while reading out loud and general confusion will be some what permanent. I have already lost my superheromommy abilities to multitask and pretty much wrote off teaching large, loud classrooms as a profession, so I guess it will be about compensating and living as loud as I possibly can. I mean, after all, I am pretty freakin' loud so I have a lot of room to fall before I squeak like a mouse.

All and all, Dr. Klish, my newest shipmate, is pretty hopeful of my outcomes. She is glad I am young, busy, determined, active, and thinks my tumors are the type that will react well to this treatment. Yes, we mean...die suckers, die. I sort of laugh at myself in retrospect as the entire appointment, though I took in the magnitude of being slightly less smart in four weeks time, I just kept asking...but can I still try to live my super-mommy life just as I have mapped it out? And the answer is yes. Yes, but please take a nap everyday, run shorter distances or walk, and just listen to my inner language (wait, but it is saying to not stop...ever...shhhh....) Push this body of mine. But, cut it some slack and let it to heal too. I guess it is a good thing that the weather is changed as the wind is cold and sky cloudy. So, as my Monday night yogi, who said she would turn down the heat a bit if I want to try to attend, meditated on this past two weeks, it is fall. It is time to slow it down, open up the heart yet hunker down for the fall in intimate twists and restorative poses.

It is a really odd world I stepped into totally by accident. Yes, I finished Eckhart Tolle's, A New Earth, just days before I felt my left breast would simply implode into my chest in 2009. I understood being in the moment. Maybe God thought I wasn't really getting the message and had to shove me into this life where I can't tell you how many birthdays I will celebrate. I CAN tell you the celebration will be big. No, simply, my life research into authors like Tolle and the guy who wrote the Celestine Prophecy, and starts with an R, was all just the thumping in the ground from God. My reading was training. A gift. Thank you God. Really, I am on the tight rope of feeling insane. I can't see past tomorrow anymore. But, you all are there as my seekers, my net. Bless you and lift your heart as you lift mine. And that, my friends, that is what my last painting is about. Do you see yourself in there? Well you should. Oh crud, I went and got all gooshy again. Goodnight.