Lists

So I have been a little...well...emotional.   I suppose that is acceptable when you are one who is walking down the street pretty much looking and acting like everyone else. Well, yep, except you pretty much feel like you can go to sleep any minute because there is this stupid thing in your body that doesn't seem to want to go a way called cancer. In the end, I don't spend much time thinking about it right now as I can't. I have better things to do like clean out the basement, throw out old files, organize photo albums, shop for Christmas presents, plan Halloween parties for both kids, schedule to volunteer at school, run twice a week and practice yoga three times a week or the other way around, read a book for book club (Hunger Games this month,) balance my budget, find some shoes that actually fit my son's growing yet petite feet, wash sheets, make beds, fold laundry, dust, clean, blah blah blah. Oh, did I say give the kids hair cuts and host ol' friends for a hot dog roast over the fire pit after going to the pumpkin ranch. Yes, my lists are huge. 
Yet, I squeeze in a night out with some pretty funny women who made me laugh so hard I nearly peed my pants about the "list." This is the list of things that you would want your most trusted friend to go in your house and destroy all evidence of if you were to, you know, die. Man, it was hilarious what these gals were coming up with. It was my turn. I had nothing except one old photograph of an inappropriate kiss that may or may not be mine and may or may not actually exist and the memory would die with my and the party member that I may or may not actually be able to mention here. It was my turn, and I couldn't think of anything I had that was some weird dark secret or something I would be embarrassed of my mother washing in the laundry.

All the while I am listening and laughing I am thinking about the pure fact that I have been preparing to die.  It may not really make sense to anyone but my 85 year old grandparents when I am giving this or that away.  I have tossed out teaching files.  It was harder then I thought.  I thought I would go down there in the darkest corner of the basement, find my highly organized bins, open them over the dumpster, and away that part of my life would fall into a landfill.  Of course, I would save the texts and other useful items for all my art teaching friends if they wanted them.  But, it wasn't that easy.  I sat there on the cold, dusty cement floor and was consumed in myself.  I will get there and am almost there.  Doing this weeding out the dust of my life is hard and releasing all at the same time.  Besides, as both of my good friends I have been e-mailing and asking advise and encouragement from this past week on the disposal of said teaching materials, the stuff is out dated already anyway.  Slide projectors, transparencies, and posters are all on the way out. 

Really, whether you aren't sure you will make your 40th birthday or not, you should try to weed your garden.  Why do you have all that stuff?  What will "they" do with it when you are gone?  Oh, I am not sure.  For my kids, I weeded out the old stuff of mine into three small bins, mostly photo albums.  I tossed the VHS tapes, the cassette tapes, the weird figurine that has no sentimental value to anyone but me so if I am not here to tell the story than it has no value at all, and the entire file of receipts and Excell spreadsheet for my wedding that I tucked into my wedding album...it cost a total of $768.97 plus the dress for $340 something.  That reminds me that I still have that dress in a box at the top of my son's closet.  Oh, and I guess it has been nearly twelve years and that great strip of fabric you all signed that was supposed to be appliqued on the back of the quilt my mother made is never really getting on that quilt.  

It is true, I could be a miracle and live fifteen more years.  Yes, they are hopeful this full brain radiation will buy my a good year.  And yes, I am getting my life out of their life...just a little.  I don't really ask anyone to understand.  I don't ask anyone to understand how releasing it is to do this.  Cathartic.  In fact, I would encourage everyone to do it.  Just do it.  What is that list you would want your I.C.E. (In Case of Emergency) friend to go get from your house should you die before them?  Are the items secret and embarrassing?  Or is it something wonderful you want them to have because it allows you to make them smile even when you aren't there.  The item at the top of my list, the only item I really have on my list is my box of journals.  Yes, there is probably some really embarrassing stuff in them.  But, I gift those to my daughter.  I told her that they were hers last night.  I told her she could read them someday.  Maybe she could even write them into a book.  "Oh, no mommy, I can't, they are private."  Yes, my dear, that is why I give them to you and only you.  They are who I am and the only true part of me that I leave behind to make you cry, make you laugh, and make you know that you really are my true soul mate.  I love you to the moon and back.

PS:  You better share them with your brother because I love him a heck of a lot too.