So we are driving like eighteen hours to San Diego across some of the most baren and beautiful land this country has to offer when I had a thought. What do I believe? We had been listening to various audio books by Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dywer and Depok Chopra. I think we started one by the Dali Lama. But, if you have ever listened to his audio books, you will know it is too relaxing and monotone for a driver to stay alert. Each of these men talked about looking inward, getting into the gap. This space is where you find God.
If I remember correctLy, Wayne Dywer explained it in the most layman's terms when he was discussing creativity. I could relate to being in the zone, the gap, and loosing all sense of time while I am making things in my studio room when it is silent. Of course, the gap is found in meditation and during prayer. Finding it in these states can take a little effort in letting go of effort. And, I wonder if I get there as often as I could. I have been there and it is better then an orgasim. O, maybe it is like an orgasim for your spirit, you choose. I believe there is a gap because I have been there. I have been devoid of thought and in the space between the pauses. I have seen the colors that seem to burst behind my eye lids that are softly closed. I believe that maybe that I was with God if only for a second. How do these guys meditate thirty minutes in the morning and thirty minutes in the eveving? Oh, that is right, they don't have small children at home. I know, priorities.
At any rate, meditating, being in a creative zen moment, or the spark in you heart when you truely give something of yourself to someone in need are all ways the great spiritual teachers, now I am talking about Jesus, Budah, and those guys and a few ladies from our past, pointed the way towards God. So let us flash forward to grocery shopping at Von's on Corronado Island with my mothr-in-law. This older man, likely a bit snockered, came up to me from the side and placed his stranger's hand on my shoulder. I shuttered. He asked how I was doing like he knew me. Then he went on to ask when my cancer would be over and a short rant about God saving me when I told him I was stage four and my cancer doesn't get to be over. Yes, I said it politely. What I was really thinking is, "Thanks for reminding me I am going to die sooner then later, Asshole. My cancer is over when I am dead.". What bothers me here is the personification of God this man offered. I understand people say strange things out of discomfort and own personal concern or reflection. But, it doesn't make any sense to hear that God is going to make it all better and take the pain away...or whatever...like he is my dad putting a bandaid on my knee. Maybe it is the perspective of dying that I only share with other terminally ill folks and eight-five year old grandparents knowing that my time here is not long that makes me skeptic when I am told God will make it all better.
Now, don't get all depressed. I am just trying to figure it all out. It is all very abstract. One belief I have is that there are signs all the time telling you what needs to be done. Mine have been telling me to speak out about God in the way my head swirls around the abstract essence of spirituality. I have heard it everywhere since my baptism. "Go figure it out, don't fret if you don't fully understand, be one with that, and don't fear judgement as you share your thoughts with others." So here is what I know. I know I can be one with God in the space between the pauses, the gap. I know God can't take the cancer away. I know that being one with God in the gap realigns my electyo-whatevers that make up this physical humaness. And that is what is really meant by God taking the pain away. For when you are in the zen moment and alligned with spirit, there is freedom from your illness and comfort for your tears. And, that all swirls around in my head abstractly exhausting me. Time to put this brain to rest in savasanan...om.
Oh, and friends, when you meet someone with cancer, don't treat them like they are going to die tomorrow. And, don't tell them it is all going to be alright because it is not. It is what it is. So give them your sincere smile of honor, a hug and change the subject. That is of course unless the person wants to ramble on and on. If you can stomach it, listen. Otherwise, simply say, "May I pray for you?" If I blieve one thing, I believe in the power of prayer.
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