"Well, there is a range in the definition of well-managed metastatic cancer. The question is if the chemo drugs are working. Therefor, the screening for colon cancer is waranted. Or, is it a [shrug shoulders] why bother with an uncomfortable procedure."
The decision was made that I would have my annual colonoscopy as is standard once the diagnoses of Colitis goes beyond ten years...I am fifteen years out. It was much later in the day when it dawned on me what this conversation was about. My G.I. Doctor was gently inquiring if I was told by my oncologist, who he shares more patients with then he would like, that time was up soon. And, to the question I can only answer, no. I don't think anyone knows. I keep fighting the big C. And, I keep getting to the point where I forget that the rest of the world sees me as the young mom dying of breast cancer.
During most minutes in my day with my children and even when I am a lone, I am just living a wonderful life though it is stressful and lonely a lot. I manage just as any woman turning thirty-seven in four days. I stay up way too late folding laundry and kick myself for not loving vegetables more then I don't. It really isn't much different from your life minute to minute. Sure, many of my minutes are spent at doctor offices. But, hey, just as many are spent at soccer games. Sure, I don't look at myself much anymore in the mirror for the changes to my face, the lack of hair for the second time, and my scared chest only remind me that I am not a super woman in the body department. All in all, I have a great life even though I spend too much time thinking about clean toilets when I should be using my true talents.
I am reading the Art of Racing in the Rain. There is a lot in there that resonates. In several places he writes, what you see out the windshield manifests. See, that is what it is for me. I see my grandchildren. So then why do I have to be reminded by the world that I am a very young woman with a very aggressive dissease. Oh, I don't know, and I am upsetting myself thinking about it. All I know is that I have to think about it. And, that dying seems very far away for me today. It is a minute to minute struggle to manifest LIFE out in front of my car that is racing in the rain.