So the rumors are true, I am finally taking grass for my ailment of cancer. No, I am not going to smoke it, but I might bake it in some brownies. I have even taken a shot of it. I most prefer it in a juice. Wheat grass; liquid sunshine. In the search to keep myself alive, I entered the world of dietary prescription to create the best inner body environment to shut down hungry cancer cells. This requires and alkiline blood free of sugars and carbs. ARG! Luckily, I have a great wellness warrior on my side, Kris Carr, author and creator of Crazy Sexy Cancer. I have been following her vlogs and newsletters since I watched her video memoir as I was recovering from my second round of chemotherapy. I remember the night. My mom and I actually went into a Blockbuster video rental store, remember those? We actually looked thought the shelves of documentaries and rented Crazy Sexy Cancer and Living Proof (Lifetime Movie Network movie about the creation of Herceptin.) We watched the movie as I lay my tired head in my mother's lap and she stroked my hair as if I was ten years old. We cried as Kris faced her incurable, very rare, cancer diagnoses and sent herself on a journey to kick cancer in the big fat A-S-S.
What came of her seven year journey since diagnoses is a gift of a brand new book Crazy Sexy Diet. How is a book a gift? Well, it is filled with some fun writing which collaborates all her research and self experimentation with her diet to stop her tumors form taking over her insides. Cool. Less work for me!
Alright, so the ultimate end to this journey is vegan-green-juicy-momma to create an alkaline, anti-inflammatory blood in which these cancer jerks starve. What rocks is that Kris is so encouraging to take things slow, adjust to your needs, and forgive yourself immensely. And why? Well, because the brain, the stress, the guilty is as much of a sugar to these rogue cells.
So how is this adventure going and where will I go? I already eat super well. Most of what I put in my mouth is not processed, milk and soy free, and organic. So this should be pretty easy, right? Well, not exactly. One huge hurtle is the morning. I don't have the luxury to make green juice, cook, or actually remember to dress myself in the morning when I am getting two kids ready for school. Okay, did I hear you say, get your butt out of bed earlier? I mean we are talking about saving my life and not feeding my cancer with gluten ridden cereals and acidic chia tea. Not being a morning person AT ALL, there is my first forgiveness. I give myself permission to eat Casadian Farm's raisin bran cereal with rice milk in five minutes and sip my chia latte, with rice milk, while driving to school drop off. I will drink juice for lunch, maybe.
Lunch, a much easier prospect for a green meal. No problem, salad. That brings me to the adventure of grocery shopping. Do you have any idea how much yummy organic greens cost in the center of the 48 contiguous states in the winter? Okay, I can stay in the budget but have consumed most of the produce in four days time.
And let's talk about proteins. I am learning about green proteins. However, some great stables of the vegan world for proteins is nuts and those give me headaches if I consume more then a tablespoon or so. Lentils and beans...not a good thing for me tummy, never been. Okay, and that brings me to onions, peppers, night shades, celery, and corn. These things wreck havoc on my system and always have. So lunch is a salad of spinach, tomato and avocado. Oh, yes, and a boiled egg or smoked salmon. Yes, I am still going to eat a few animals here and there. Kris recommends a 60 raw green and 40 other yummy stuff. Eventually, move to the 80/20.
No problem. So what is it that I am eating, you ask? Well, it is somewhere between green raw girl, vegetarian, and enjoying the occasional chicken fajita at Chili's. I will try a few recipes and move towards the 80% green raw foods and juices. I will find a place for my blender on my counter top even though the real estate of my kitchen is extremely limited. And, I will celebrate that Natural Groceries carries pre-juiced, frozen, ice cube size, mixed wheat grass plus other good stuff frozen shots to add to my recipes. And, yes, I am still eating a bit of sugar. A bit. I just can't deal with going crazy sugar and carb free vegan heroine, but I do hear the voices saying, "Are you feeding them...are you feeding them with this you put in your mouth? Is it worth it? You say yes, then please do partake in this bite of deep dark, organic chocolate. Just put down that donut and go do a shot of grass"
Monday, January 31, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Caring for Fairies
The problem with caring for fairies is that they are little and often over looked. My fairy is quite fetching and smart enough to know it. So she doesn't comb her hair. She is temperamental and easily frustrated when she can't get her magic pixie dust to work. Oh, spangles. She likes to be little while she dreams of being big; sixteen years old to be exact. When she is sixteen, she will be brave enough to get her ears pierced and drive a car. She loves her world. It is a world mostly her own filled with pegasuses and unicorns under the bluest skies filled with pink clouds. In fact, most of her world is pink. Everything is pink, except for the bluest skies, of course. She has a world to escape to when grey clouds mess up the reality she so carefully tip toes through. Well, on some days she tiptoes. Most days she barrels through with tears and voiced displeasure at the craziness presented her.
Yes, it is touchy business to care for fairies. If you touch their wings, they can not fly; just like a butterfly. The tough thing is you can't actually see a fairy's wings as they are so delicate. So you must always be careful to hug a fairy gently. Do hug your fairies as much as possible, even, and especially when they are being quite temperamental. And, most definitely hug her when she is crying and angry at you. But, don't really believe her when she says she is mad at you because she is most likely just angry at the world or something. So hug her until she understands that you are here to care for her and love her just the way she is.
Fairies can get quite attached to their care takers. Though they will tend to yell, scream, and push away their caretakers when they don't get their way, if there is any threat that the caretaker may leave them, fairies will surely crumb into a ball of tears and fears. So it is important to not over look these little beings. And, seek assistance in their care. Find other caretakers who will watch out for your fairy when you can not attend to their needs. Make sure these caretakers are kind and gentle. And, of course, know how to hug a fairy without crushing her wings into bits of pink dust.
Always allow your fairy to feel in control and in charge of her world. Make small adjustments to your life so that hers makes more sense to her. Give her little jobs to complete that offer immediate results and satisfaction. This will allow you to build upon her confidence. Eventually, she will find the strength to take on bigger jobs with great success. But, be careful not to give her too big of a job or up the anti too fast. For, if you move too fast and scare her, the fairy will flutter away from your world into her pink palace in the sky faster then you can say: skuttlebug.
Yes, tending to fairies is a challenging job. They will pout and tell you they hate you while holding you at the center of their universe. Though it is tough to balance the teeter-totter world of a fairy as a care taker, you will reap great rewards as she shares her world with you. You will discover talents in yourself that you didn't know you had. And, most importantly, if you are a very careful and loving caretaker, you will be rewarded with a strong and gracious fairy godmother who just might make your dreams come true.
Yes, it is touchy business to care for fairies. If you touch their wings, they can not fly; just like a butterfly. The tough thing is you can't actually see a fairy's wings as they are so delicate. So you must always be careful to hug a fairy gently. Do hug your fairies as much as possible, even, and especially when they are being quite temperamental. And, most definitely hug her when she is crying and angry at you. But, don't really believe her when she says she is mad at you because she is most likely just angry at the world or something. So hug her until she understands that you are here to care for her and love her just the way she is.
Fairies can get quite attached to their care takers. Though they will tend to yell, scream, and push away their caretakers when they don't get their way, if there is any threat that the caretaker may leave them, fairies will surely crumb into a ball of tears and fears. So it is important to not over look these little beings. And, seek assistance in their care. Find other caretakers who will watch out for your fairy when you can not attend to their needs. Make sure these caretakers are kind and gentle. And, of course, know how to hug a fairy without crushing her wings into bits of pink dust.
Always allow your fairy to feel in control and in charge of her world. Make small adjustments to your life so that hers makes more sense to her. Give her little jobs to complete that offer immediate results and satisfaction. This will allow you to build upon her confidence. Eventually, she will find the strength to take on bigger jobs with great success. But, be careful not to give her too big of a job or up the anti too fast. For, if you move too fast and scare her, the fairy will flutter away from your world into her pink palace in the sky faster then you can say: skuttlebug.
Yes, tending to fairies is a challenging job. They will pout and tell you they hate you while holding you at the center of their universe. Though it is tough to balance the teeter-totter world of a fairy as a care taker, you will reap great rewards as she shares her world with you. You will discover talents in yourself that you didn't know you had. And, most importantly, if you are a very careful and loving caretaker, you will be rewarded with a strong and gracious fairy godmother who just might make your dreams come true.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Piss and Salt
I have to say sorry that my last entry was full of piss and salt. I really had a great day today. Sure, I was still late to school drop off by five minutes, but no one did cry in the car on the ride over. Daughter, who has been full of tears when she leaves my side in the morning, did not cry at her drop off at our second school. Rather, she went in to her classroom smiling. Then, I went on home to workout on the elliptical in the basement deciding it was still too cold for my asthmatic lungs to function for an outdoor run. But, I watched which was pretty funny and not too much of a waste of mind madder. Then, I went to meet Husband for a spot of coffee and off to pick up Son. I was early. I did get on the phone and began the journey of working through the insurance issue with the Tykerb. This was not my high light of my day nor was the two hours over four other phone calls to the pharmacy and the insurance company. Alas, it does feel good to finally think I have it all figured out. Just pray that RMCC gets their bill processed for the January 7 date of service in the next couple of days so that we meet our deductible through them, can set up a payment plan, and then the Tykerb (nearly $3,000) is covered under our plan. After picking up Son, it was off the Daughter's school for a lunch date in the cafeteria. I really do enjoy sitting with those first graders. They are quite silly, and I pray they never loose that light. Returning home, Son was being a little naughty but then admitted he felt tired. The wind was picking up and clouding our beautifully sunny day by this time. He was scared as his second story windows do rattle quite loudly. I know this because his room used to be my art studio. However, they do profile a beautiful view of the mountains with the storm brewing above them. We fell asleep for about an hour and woke to snow. The afternoon was unremarkable as I made those calls and waited on hold with the insurance company. The walk to school in the soft snow was lovely and timely. Son is quite entertaining in his bemusement of nature. Daughter was all smiles, usually it is tears, as she comes out of her classroom. She asks to have a friend over. So we dash home with friend in tow. Well, it was more of a meander with three little voices and my toes beginning to get a bit nippy inside my boots. It was joyful to hear the play of children upstairs. Oh the giggles of the girls! I cook dinner, talk on the phone some more, clear up the issue, finally, and serve to three hungry hippos that actually sat for about ten minutes at the table waiting to be served. I guess they were hungry. Their little bodies popped up and down and giggled and squawked to my amusement through out dinner. Then they dashed upstairs for the "last fifteen minutes" of time together. By the time Friend's Dad drove up his chariot, my two were ready with their coats on, boots, on and sleeping dolls in hand to head home with Friend's Dad. Needless to say the parting was bitter sweet, but we were able to scurry our kittens up to start the bedtime routine. PJs, teeth brushing, face washing, and two books. Then it is Dad's turn to tuck them in as I dash off with my neighbor for a round of Bunco with other neighborhood gals. It was a fun night of chatting, and I won five dollars. We also closed with a white elephant gift exchange. I unwrapped a beautiful turquoise bracelet and felt pretty lucky. Yes, today was a good day. There might be a few ghosts I need to get out on my head, but they are gone now. Lemon water and dark chocolate.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Please Excuse my French
I go back and forth about blogging about how I REALLY feel right now. Like, how I feel inside my mind. I think about "when" instead of "if" I die. It is kind of a trip, really. I bounce between making a to do list of things I should prepare like find a good day care, seeing if the school counsellor will start meeting with my daughter to start a level of trust between them in case she needs it sooner then later, and cleaning out all my crap so when I kick it, there aren't a bunch of skeletons in the closets husband and family have to deal with. Then I bounce back to a (excuse me) fuck it attitude, let me eat cake! Then I read the reports that transpired over the past month between docs. I read about my physical and psychological states. No weight lose: bad. No weight gain: good. Shows signs of understanding the impact of current metastatic state and its impact on life expectancy: good or bad? Okay, sure, I shook my head I understand that I have to have these fuckers radiated out of my head and take a drug that may or may not work and will make me feel icky. If it doesn't work, I will die, like, whenever the fuckers decide to rule the grey mater between my ears, and if it dose work, I may not be able to be on the drug for, like, ever. So if I can't be on it for like ever, then those fuckers will rule my head. Oh, and did I say if we do, wait when we do as it is a real possibility in a just a handful of years, when we do decide to have a full brain radiation I will become some dough head idiot and possibly loose function of my bowels or something more embarrassing like not remember my children's names. So, excuse me again, fuck it all. I am concentrating seeing my grand babies. And no, Kids, you aren't going to be teen parents, you will be 30, I will be 60, I am putting my foot down. Statistics fly at meat a high speed on some days. They crash at my head and then I have another, excuse me, fucking head ache. So then I find an article about a woman diagnosed stage IV in her 30s and sill walking the walk at 58 (http://livingbeyondbc.wordpress.com/2010/11/29/living-through-my-breast-cancer-timeline/#comment-1624). No, make that 58 and one half because every six months in between every scan counts. What does it feel like to live scan to scan? What does it feel like to take a nap with your five year old son because he so tired but too scared of the wind? And, then we wake up to snow. Tiny angels floating on a soft breeze, snow. The snow is beautiful. I won't die tomorrow. It might snow tomorrow. So maybe this isn't the last time I will see it snow. Today was another good day. I pray will see the snow when I am 60. There feels like a lot of really important days between now and 60. I don't want to miss a single one. Tomorrow morning, I have my follow up brain MRI. Time to march upstairs, kiss my two babies on the their forehead sand make sure their covers are all straight, and climb into my bed next to Husband. Maybe I better take a Valium. But wait, I have to take the Tykerb on an empty stomach. Does momma's little yellow happy pill (and I only take them at night when I am not sleeping) count on the whole empty stomach thing? Ah, who cares? You do. Goodnight.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Deaperate Housewives
The topic of the night is how cancer changes how one watches TV. Suddenly commercials that seem quite benign make you cry, hearing about Farrah Fawcett dying of cancer bald and wilted is horribly upsetting, and the Denver Cyber Knife commercial with the guy who claims to get up riding on his horse just a week after having his tumor for prostate cancer radiated just cracks me up...yeah right. And, of course, every mini-series seems to have some cancer scare. During these shows I analyze the accuracy of the experience with a dose of salt knowing fair well that it is drama.
Just before I lost my hair to chemotherapy, Izzie Stevens, the former model and played by Katherine Heigel, has melanoma with brain mets. She goes bald and wears these rockin' scarves looking quite elegant. I put in my own head that I would rock the scarf. Which, I think I did pretty well, actually, minus the grey tone to my skin, purple bags under my eyes, and lack of full eye brows and lashes. But, that is what concealer, bronzer and brown eye liner is for, right?
Then, there is there was Samatha Jones, over-sexed older bombshell played by Kim Cattrall, who concurred breast cancer in season six without any mention of a continued journey of yearly scans and oncology visits in future seasons. She also rocked the whole chemo-head and bopped around between rounds like there weren't thousands dollars worth of drugs running around her body killing cancer cells; not really authentic. I had seen the series years before my own chemo, but I still was looking for my three best gal pals to walk in the door during my first round of chemo yielding cosmo-flavored popsicles (I did have my mom...I love you.) I had to just watched that portion of the series to authenticate the accuracy recently. Ya, sort of missed the mark. And, I won't even talk about how Samantha famously returned to a sex-pot enjoying her breasts just months after treatment. (Insider note, chemo sort of kills the sex drive for, well, hopefully only a couple of years.)
So that brings us to Lynette Scavo, mom of a half a dozen kiddos and played by Felicity Huffman, who travels down the cancer journey in season three. Looking back on her journey and being pictured laying grey faced on the couch one day and bouncing up to mind the needs of her family the next day, I have to say the script played pretty true to form. I even remember just a few months ago there was a mention of her breast cancer in a script in season seven.
Now, in season seven, Susan Mayer, mother of two, illustrator and acknowledged klutz played by Teri Hatcher, is going through dialysis. Okay, this isn't cancer, but her experience in this evening's episode brought back a few of my own memories of the infusion room. She has her own Mr. Black Cloud amply named Dick. She even cracks a joke about the his name. Yes, there is a bit more drama then reality, but if you want to know what it is like in one of those rooms, then tonight's episode pretty much hits the nail on the head (episode 712.)
Yes, cancer, and I am sure any illness, changes how you watch TV. Trite script writing of serious events can either be laughable or irritating. Good writing that plays true to form with added drama for the value of good entertainment will keep a few viewers in tune. So, way to go Desperate Housewives. You managed to connect and not totally annoy this evening.
Just before I lost my hair to chemotherapy, Izzie Stevens, the former model and played by Katherine Heigel, has melanoma with brain mets. She goes bald and wears these rockin' scarves looking quite elegant. I put in my own head that I would rock the scarf. Which, I think I did pretty well, actually, minus the grey tone to my skin, purple bags under my eyes, and lack of full eye brows and lashes. But, that is what concealer, bronzer and brown eye liner is for, right?
Then, there is there was Samatha Jones, over-sexed older bombshell played by Kim Cattrall, who concurred breast cancer in season six without any mention of a continued journey of yearly scans and oncology visits in future seasons. She also rocked the whole chemo-head and bopped around between rounds like there weren't thousands dollars worth of drugs running around her body killing cancer cells; not really authentic. I had seen the series years before my own chemo, but I still was looking for my three best gal pals to walk in the door during my first round of chemo yielding cosmo-flavored popsicles (I did have my mom...I love you.) I had to just watched that portion of the series to authenticate the accuracy recently. Ya, sort of missed the mark. And, I won't even talk about how Samantha famously returned to a sex-pot enjoying her breasts just months after treatment. (Insider note, chemo sort of kills the sex drive for, well, hopefully only a couple of years.)
So that brings us to Lynette Scavo, mom of a half a dozen kiddos and played by Felicity Huffman, who travels down the cancer journey in season three. Looking back on her journey and being pictured laying grey faced on the couch one day and bouncing up to mind the needs of her family the next day, I have to say the script played pretty true to form. I even remember just a few months ago there was a mention of her breast cancer in a script in season seven.
Now, in season seven, Susan Mayer, mother of two, illustrator and acknowledged klutz played by Teri Hatcher, is going through dialysis. Okay, this isn't cancer, but her experience in this evening's episode brought back a few of my own memories of the infusion room. She has her own Mr. Black Cloud amply named Dick. She even cracks a joke about the his name. Yes, there is a bit more drama then reality, but if you want to know what it is like in one of those rooms, then tonight's episode pretty much hits the nail on the head (episode 712.)
Yes, cancer, and I am sure any illness, changes how you watch TV. Trite script writing of serious events can either be laughable or irritating. Good writing that plays true to form with added drama for the value of good entertainment will keep a few viewers in tune. So, way to go Desperate Housewives. You managed to connect and not totally annoy this evening.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
December 27, 2010
Dear Solar Yoga Family,
Thank you. I wanted to thank you for having your studio right here in Longmont, ten minutes from my home. I feel so blessed to have a studio I can call my yoga home to develop my practice. In my need to thank you and honor your teaching, I wanted to start from the beginning, so bare with me.
I started yoga and meditation at 15. I wouldn’t say it was a practice, just a way to calm myself and get to sleep at night at first. As I grew older, left home and all that, I did start going to recreation center classes and doing videos. You opened Solar, and I had gone to some of your classes here and there with friends. But, of course, it is cheaper to run to the LRC for a little yoga.
In 2009, I learned what PRACTICE meant with yoga. I was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer in April. When I was cleared physically after my mastectomy, a friend brought me to several classes. They were hard. I found the restorative one you had on Wednesday mornings to be one I couldn’t live without and got addicted to go when I felt up to it. By this time I was going through chemo and not feeling up to much.
So jump to 2010. I had my last radiation to a metastasis in my liver right before the end of the year, and I was finally able to work on building up my body again. I was given the label of no evidence of disease (remission) that April, my birthday. I told my mom that all I wanted was a punch card to Solar Yoga to see if I could go regularly enough to start making yoga a PRACTICE, not just something to do because it feels good. And so that is what happened. Besides, my oncologist prescribed I do yoga three to four times a week. Better listen to those doctors. Maybe I can get insurance to cover class costs…I jest.
So here is where the big thank you comes into my biography. Your studio rocks because of the teachers and the environment has taught me the mental part of yoga. I sit in class and the instructor seems to have something to say that is just what I need. I laugh because I will be like, “Dang, she is reading my mind again. Wait, I am in a room of thirty hot sweaty people. She is reading everyone’s mind. We are all thinking the same thing. So, heck yes, I can let go of the drama and just feel the sensation.”
The drama, the ego, the language in your head. Staci just talked us through sitting in frog pose for like five minutes last night. And you know what; it was pretty easy for me. Just a bit over a week ago, I was strapped down to a radiation table again. This time a metastasis tumor was in my brain stem. It is, no was, pressing on my left 6th nerve on my left eye creating a double vision. I was under this tight cage over my face for almost an hour and a half while they radiated that sucker right out of there. The thing they don’t tell you is how you are going to mentally get through that all, especially when you’re i-pod goes nuts. I had all these great ballads I knew the words to from Norah Jones, Sheryl Crow, Corine Rea Bailey, and the like. But my i-pod started playing Lady Gaga. I was supposed to be calm and not move! I started to panic. The drama came in, and I started to freak out. I started to cry. But, then I heard my yogis from Solar Yoga. “Stop the drama and just breathe into the moment.”
So, yes, there is a lot of drama in my life. But, I thank God for yoga as a practice for helping me physically and mentally put a few more years on it. Thank you for teaching me both. And thank you for being a place that is so loving and embracing that I feel great just walking in the door. I don’t feel judged when I fall on my bum because I see double vision right now. And, forget the fact that I was thinking I had a pretty good eagle pose because now my brain won’t let me cross my body all over this way and that way. I could have been so frustrated and given up. But, no, I know I can someday figure out how to cross my body however it is going to cross itself because this is a practice. It is like a living organism that will grow, wither, and then grow again.
Thank you for being ten minutes from my front door. See you next class.
Namaste,
Sara L. B. Brown
Dear Solar Yoga Family,
Thank you. I wanted to thank you for having your studio right here in Longmont, ten minutes from my home. I feel so blessed to have a studio I can call my yoga home to develop my practice. In my need to thank you and honor your teaching, I wanted to start from the beginning, so bare with me.
I started yoga and meditation at 15. I wouldn’t say it was a practice, just a way to calm myself and get to sleep at night at first. As I grew older, left home and all that, I did start going to recreation center classes and doing videos. You opened Solar, and I had gone to some of your classes here and there with friends. But, of course, it is cheaper to run to the LRC for a little yoga.
In 2009, I learned what PRACTICE meant with yoga. I was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer in April. When I was cleared physically after my mastectomy, a friend brought me to several classes. They were hard. I found the restorative one you had on Wednesday mornings to be one I couldn’t live without and got addicted to go when I felt up to it. By this time I was going through chemo and not feeling up to much.
So jump to 2010. I had my last radiation to a metastasis in my liver right before the end of the year, and I was finally able to work on building up my body again. I was given the label of no evidence of disease (remission) that April, my birthday. I told my mom that all I wanted was a punch card to Solar Yoga to see if I could go regularly enough to start making yoga a PRACTICE, not just something to do because it feels good. And so that is what happened. Besides, my oncologist prescribed I do yoga three to four times a week. Better listen to those doctors. Maybe I can get insurance to cover class costs…I jest.
So here is where the big thank you comes into my biography. Your studio rocks because of the teachers and the environment has taught me the mental part of yoga. I sit in class and the instructor seems to have something to say that is just what I need. I laugh because I will be like, “Dang, she is reading my mind again. Wait, I am in a room of thirty hot sweaty people. She is reading everyone’s mind. We are all thinking the same thing. So, heck yes, I can let go of the drama and just feel the sensation.”
The drama, the ego, the language in your head. Staci just talked us through sitting in frog pose for like five minutes last night. And you know what; it was pretty easy for me. Just a bit over a week ago, I was strapped down to a radiation table again. This time a metastasis tumor was in my brain stem. It is, no was, pressing on my left 6th nerve on my left eye creating a double vision. I was under this tight cage over my face for almost an hour and a half while they radiated that sucker right out of there. The thing they don’t tell you is how you are going to mentally get through that all, especially when you’re i-pod goes nuts. I had all these great ballads I knew the words to from Norah Jones, Sheryl Crow, Corine Rea Bailey, and the like. But my i-pod started playing Lady Gaga. I was supposed to be calm and not move! I started to panic. The drama came in, and I started to freak out. I started to cry. But, then I heard my yogis from Solar Yoga. “Stop the drama and just breathe into the moment.”
So, yes, there is a lot of drama in my life. But, I thank God for yoga as a practice for helping me physically and mentally put a few more years on it. Thank you for teaching me both. And thank you for being a place that is so loving and embracing that I feel great just walking in the door. I don’t feel judged when I fall on my bum because I see double vision right now. And, forget the fact that I was thinking I had a pretty good eagle pose because now my brain won’t let me cross my body all over this way and that way. I could have been so frustrated and given up. But, no, I know I can someday figure out how to cross my body however it is going to cross itself because this is a practice. It is like a living organism that will grow, wither, and then grow again.
Thank you for being ten minutes from my front door. See you next class.
Namaste,
Sara L. B. Brown
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Normal
Today was just a normal housewife type of day. I shuttled around bouncing between scrubbing toilets, helping Julia on her first ever school research poster project, dusting the living room, making a Superman cape for an action figure for Jack, sweeping and mopping the down stairs floors, starting Julia on a sewing project, making lunch, eating lunch, cleaning up lunch, wonder if I should go out to a yoga class today in the icy snow or finish cleaning the house, cleaning another bathroom, stopping a sibling fight, sending them to time out, dusting the upstairs, admiring the kids as they play Polly Pocket and the Pirates, changing out the fourth load of laundry, putting new sheets on the bed, vacumming the upstairs floora, day dreaming about a really yummy dinner, helping Jack redo his ZhuZhu pet home, wondering why there is string tight throughout the house...throughout...around the banisters and all the way up the stairs, shovelling the drive and the side walk all the way down the block in front of all the houses for sale so walking to school isn't such a pain tomorrow morning, lending out a step stool to the neighbor, paying Jack $1 for helping shovel and cleaning the bathrooms, explaining to Julia why she only earned a quarter for her efforts, and finally starting yummy dinner. What was dinner? Whole wheat fusilli pasta with roasted pine nuts and garlic with asparagus, basil, tomato in olive oil topped with Havarti cheese all piled on a huge pile of baby spinach...yummy!
Yes, it was a normal Sunday for a stay-at-home mom of two as it snowed the most gentle Colorado beauty of white outside. Pure bliss. Pure bliss in the shadow that I might not have had this day. Yes, I thought I would die a couple of weeks ago. Yes, I worry each moment that is will be my last to do this or that. And yes, I have a bit of a cough today. No, I don't think I may be getting a cold or maybe allergic to the mold or dust I kicked up in my cleaning frenzy. No, I think, "I have a metastasis to my lung making me cough." Yes, I went in to the eye doctor thinking I was getting older and just needed glasses and ended up with a shadow I can't seem to get out from under. Today was a good day because I had grapefruit for dessert*.
*I can't eat grapefruit once I start the Tykerb tomorrow.
Yes, it was a normal Sunday for a stay-at-home mom of two as it snowed the most gentle Colorado beauty of white outside. Pure bliss. Pure bliss in the shadow that I might not have had this day. Yes, I thought I would die a couple of weeks ago. Yes, I worry each moment that is will be my last to do this or that. And yes, I have a bit of a cough today. No, I don't think I may be getting a cold or maybe allergic to the mold or dust I kicked up in my cleaning frenzy. No, I think, "I have a metastasis to my lung making me cough." Yes, I went in to the eye doctor thinking I was getting older and just needed glasses and ended up with a shadow I can't seem to get out from under. Today was a good day because I had grapefruit for dessert*.
*I can't eat grapefruit once I start the Tykerb tomorrow.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Letter of Support
I am forced to deal with some pretty profound thoughts about life and death. I have discussed them here in my journal and shared them with you. As my friend, I know you are going through your own journey to answer your own questions about your own life and death. I hate when people say it, but...maybe that is why I got sick.
Okay, not really. But, I do think that by knowing me and following my journey you are offered a great opportunity to think about these things and research. Go into your own head and research how you feel. answer your questions. Seek guidance from your spirit guides (yes, they are there, I've seen them.) In the mean time, here is an exert from a letter I just wrote a friend who is feeling worried and confused right now about life and death:
I was going to write you back about your last e-mail. I hope you do follow my Caring Bridge and get information there. I try to keep that one medical based so I don't post if nothing going on...or I am feeling pretty good. I have another blog that is my pondering on life in general. http://saralbbrown.blogspot.com/ I an sort of irregular when I post on that as it is more of a journal. However, there is quite a bit in the last several posts about what is going on my head about dying.
The hard evidence is that I will not live a really long time. I am okay with that for myself. It is my family and friends that I worry more about. I know it will be quite a long time yet. And, I know I will get to see Julia getting married. But, I also know that is highly likely I will not get to see my grand babies. I will fight like hell to keep this body healthy and mentally relaxed and balanced. I will go to yoga class as much as I can because I can find my center there. And, that is all I can do. I can fortify the fort, so to speak, but may not be able to keep out the troops. My body is a Native American tribe and the cancer is the New Americans.
Does that make sense? So I know you are worried and that is how you should feel, it is normal. Take some time and read my blog going back to about Dec. 4 or so. See if that helps. I bet you have a lot going on in your head with the loss of your father and all too. So you just have to find your own way to understand the mind, body, and soul. As I say in my blog, there is Human (body) and there is Being (soul) and that is what makes us all Human Beings. It is a slight balance; a yin yang.
I hope that helps. Also, I think the movie (Living Proof) really is good in explaining how it all feels to go through all of this. Do keep in mind though that we (people who went through chemo) really don't throw up and stuff anymore. There are all these great drugs now. More then likely we gain 20 pounds! Herceptin was invented in the late 80s so those women didn't have these drugs we have now to curb side effects.
It really is a miracle I am alive today. So if you feel down and worried about that, think about it. Without Herceptin, Cyber Knifing, and all these great minds inventing new drugs.... And that is the miracle. Our Human brain creating all this stuff to keep our Beings here down on Earth a little longer. Who knows, maybe the next miracle is this Tykerb I am on now. Just maybe I will be that 65 year old woman babysitting my kindergarten grandchildren while his parents go to work. I am choosing to put my energy there.
Okay, not really. But, I do think that by knowing me and following my journey you are offered a great opportunity to think about these things and research. Go into your own head and research how you feel. answer your questions. Seek guidance from your spirit guides (yes, they are there, I've seen them.) In the mean time, here is an exert from a letter I just wrote a friend who is feeling worried and confused right now about life and death:
I was going to write you back about your last e-mail. I hope you do follow my Caring Bridge and get information there. I try to keep that one medical based so I don't post if nothing going on...or I am feeling pretty good. I have another blog that is my pondering on life in general. http://saralbbrown.blogspot.com/ I an sort of irregular when I post on that as it is more of a journal. However, there is quite a bit in the last several posts about what is going on my head about dying.
The hard evidence is that I will not live a really long time. I am okay with that for myself. It is my family and friends that I worry more about. I know it will be quite a long time yet. And, I know I will get to see Julia getting married. But, I also know that is highly likely I will not get to see my grand babies. I will fight like hell to keep this body healthy and mentally relaxed and balanced. I will go to yoga class as much as I can because I can find my center there. And, that is all I can do. I can fortify the fort, so to speak, but may not be able to keep out the troops. My body is a Native American tribe and the cancer is the New Americans.
Does that make sense? So I know you are worried and that is how you should feel, it is normal. Take some time and read my blog going back to about Dec. 4 or so. See if that helps. I bet you have a lot going on in your head with the loss of your father and all too. So you just have to find your own way to understand the mind, body, and soul. As I say in my blog, there is Human (body) and there is Being (soul) and that is what makes us all Human Beings. It is a slight balance; a yin yang.
I hope that helps. Also, I think the movie (Living Proof) really is good in explaining how it all feels to go through all of this. Do keep in mind though that we (people who went through chemo) really don't throw up and stuff anymore. There are all these great drugs now. More then likely we gain 20 pounds! Herceptin was invented in the late 80s so those women didn't have these drugs we have now to curb side effects.
It really is a miracle I am alive today. So if you feel down and worried about that, think about it. Without Herceptin, Cyber Knifing, and all these great minds inventing new drugs.... And that is the miracle. Our Human brain creating all this stuff to keep our Beings here down on Earth a little longer. Who knows, maybe the next miracle is this Tykerb I am on now. Just maybe I will be that 65 year old woman babysitting my kindergarten grandchildren while his parents go to work. I am choosing to put my energy there.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)