This evening, after an hour Power Vinyasa, a run to Bed Bath and Beyond for a return and finding another magenta stool for Julia's "grown up" room redo, returning a Red Box video, and heading into King Soopers for some lettuce, bananas, cereal, and tea, I phoned a friend. This friend (sorry I called so late) is really having a rough time. We chatted for a bit. I listened. Then, me being me, I turned cheerleader. "Wow, thanks you, Sara. How do you come up with these things?" she replied.
How do I do it? Those words got me thinking because in my own reality of life this is just how things are. I forget that other people don't think the way I do. Faced with adversity, I am a bull. I look it right in the eye and plow forward looking for the silver lining of the situation. Now, mind you, I am very good at avoiding things all together that I find unpleasant. And, I will say no if I really don't want to do something. But, in the end, I am willing to give it a try, even if it isn't the most enjoyable thing that came my way.
Also, don't get me wrong in that I am a perfect little angel gliding about plowing through difficult tasks without breaking a sweat. No, I will have to admit that sometime last week I had an all out tantrum over moving my studio. I had moved all the loose items out into the hall and master bedroom. So I was left with the heavy items and figuring out when I would get Jack's stuff out of his room without messing up his sleeping patterns. Like an ocean wave, panic consumed me. I couldn't do it. I had to just put everything back where it was and forget about it. I started pounding my fists on the floor and bawling. The kids ran upstairs and stared at me with wide eyes. Jack went to get me a tissue and Julia slid up in my lap, sucking her thumb. She looked just like she did the day she was born.
I gave up the task for the day and went down stairs to play board games. I cried off and on. My head swam with the impossible task I had set forth for myself. I honestly can't tell you how I moved from the forum of panic to one of a bull headed organizing goddess. I suppose it was the fact that Scott took the kids back packing, and I had the house to myself for a full 24 hours. A full 24 hours that I didn't have to stop what I was doing, eat, sleep, or...well not exactly. But, I had the world to myself. I could think clearly in the silence.
So I was talking to my friend about going through chemo. When I felt really bad, I just imagined I was pregnant...sort of. During both my pregnancies, I was nauseated and had leg cramps all the time. With Jack, I had syatic nerve issues and had trouble walking and sitting comfortably. In all reality, chemo was a bit like that, or so I told myself. Each time I started feeling bad on the third day, I was faced with a choice. I could either wallow in self pity and fear of death (which I did for a good day or so) or I could look this shitty circumstance straight in the eye and bull right on through. The choice is easy once you start thinking about which will get you the best end result, life.
I don't know how I do it. Doesn't everyone think this way? I guess I would just advise you to take a few minutes, days, a week to wallow in utter self-pity. Stomp on the floor, break some dishes (not by throwing them at someone else), get angry, get sad, feel complete and utter panic, and take some Valium and sleep. Wake up, wash your face and look yourself in the eye. You can do this. You have a choice. You can die or you can live a very long time and die fighting. Find your silver lining even if it is a half truth and bull on forward. Oh, and don't forget to ask for help, take the help that is offered, say thank you, and be full in the knowledge that you are loved. Namasta.
PS Laughter really is the best medicine. So if you can't make yourself laugh then rent some ridiculous movie or watch the Late Show.
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