Quick Sigh

Just a quick sigh as it is well past midnight.  I must admit the late hour is due to a wonderful evening at book club with the ladies.  We read Those Who Save Us, great book about a German woman during WWII.  Shall we say we women feel very spoiled for the lives we have the freedom to live today.
   Today I spent with women.  I went to a survivors luncheon thrown by the Susan G. Kormen Foundation.  We had a nice light lunch, a talk by a nutritionist, a pep talk by Dr. Drew at Channel Nine News and then a fashion show.  As one young lady, 29, strutted down the aisle, I felt uplifted as she is a one year survivor with a little baby.  She was diagnosed while pregnant, went through chemo and is in remission with a healthy baby girl today.  She is beautiful.  Then there were several women over 70, one of which is a 30 year survivor.  That is so positive to see the long future that may be in store for me.  But, then there was Laura.  She was diagnosed a year and a half ago with stage four, and she has a six and four year old and teaches visual arts in Douglas County (see any parallels?)  Her cancer was chemo-non-responsive and spread to multiple organs.  She is still bald and is on a hormone therapy.  I felt mixed emotions because...WOW!  She is so brave and strong.  She still works in the school.  Honestly, I thought, gee, I am sure glad I don't have it that bad.  Then I thought, I am such a wimp. 
   Well, okay, every one's journey is different.  No journey is worse or better then the next.  Do you remember the day I met Mr. Black Cloud?  He sat next to me, and, after listening to him for five hours during infusion, I actually felt bad about my cancer.  I felt like maybe I should be more sick.  He made me feel awful as I listened to his list of aches, pains, and multiple tumors on his liver and lungs.  I think he died last month, but I am afraid to ask. 
    I guess I am getting ahead of myself.  It is profound to say you have cancer.  It changes how you watch a TV show or movie (Claista Flockhart, your wigs suck and Samantha would probably not continue flaunting her breasts after surgery.)  There is a weird fantasy about having cancer.  You wonder if you will look cool bald.  Maybe you will get more attention or freebies.  Didn't Farrah Faucet's show about her dying from cancer make it sound a bit glamorous?  And doesn't those Cyber Knife commercials make it sound like a day at the spa in your white pajamas?  Weird things travel through one's head if you are an outsider watching cancer...what is it like?  But, once you join the cancer club, everything changes.  It is a surreal experience that you can never shed.  It makes you say why not because I just might not get to do that next year.
   Just a little sigh.